Advice for Those Grieving Lost Spouses
During August I will be with the Sisters of Notre Dame in Africa. So, instead of a post from me this week, here is a guest post written by Patricia Sarmiento. I hope if you are grieving your marriage partner you personally find these words helpful. Maybe you can refer it to someone else who may be experiencing this painful loss.
Finding Hope and Healing After Early Grief: For Catholic Widows and Widowers
Catholic widows and widowers who have moved past the first shock often enter a quieter, harder middle where grief becomes woven into ordinary hours. The core tension is real: daily life must keep going while love and longing remain, and that can stir spiritual doubt, loneliness, and fatigue. Alongside the emotional challenges of loss, practical adjustments post-bereavement, meals, sleep, finances, parenting, and decisions once shared, can feel relentless. With steady Catholic grief support and attention to mind and body, healing can take shape without leaving a spouse behind.
Understanding Growth Without Letting Go
Rediscovering your identity after loss does not mean erasing your marriage. It means learning who you are now, with love and grief both included. Many grief counselors describe this as an expansion of life around grief, where sorrow stays real but your life can still widen.
This matters because Catholic healing is both spiritual and human. Prayer, sacraments, and community can support you, while your emotions still need honest attention. Research describes holistic healing after loss as caring for emotional, practical, and social needs, not just beliefs.
Think of keeping a small candle near your spouse’s photo while also lighting a second candle for today’s tasks. One flame honors what was; the other helps you take your next faithful steps. This perspective helps common questions about prayer, sadness, dating, and “doing enough” feel less frightening.
Grief, Prayer, and Moving Forward: Common Questions
Q: What if I cannot pray because I feel numb or angry?
A: You are not failing God. Many people experience normal aspects of grief that include numbness, agitation, or even no emotion at all. Try a one-minute prayer like, “Jesus, stay with me,” or simply sit quietly with a crucifix and breathe.
Q: How do I know if my sadness is normal grief or something more serious?
A: Grief often comes in waves, but get extra support if you cannot function for weeks, feel hopeless most days, or have thoughts of self-harm. Clinicians note 7%–10% develop prolonged grief disorder, which is treatable with the right care. Consider talking with your doctor, a licensed therapist, or a Catholic counselor.
Q: Should I force myself to “be strong” and serve more at church?
A: Love can look like showing up, but it can also look like resting. Choose one small, sustainable commitment and pair it with one restorative practice, like a walk, a meal with a friend, or earlier sleep.
Q: When is it okay to date again as a Catholic widow or widower?
A: There is no universal timeline. Begin only when you can speak about your spouse with honesty, set clear boundaries, and bring your decisions to prayer and wise counsel.
Q: Can I still wear my ring or keep traditions and also heal?
A: Yes. Keeping meaningful symbols can honor your vows while you learn how to live today. If an object keeps you stuck, try placing it somewhere intentional and choosing one new routine that supports your daily life.
Use Gentle Creativity to Hear Your Heart Again
Creativity can be a powerful pathway to healing and self-rediscovery for widows and widowers, because it gives grief, and hope, somewhere gentle to land. Today, AI art generation tools make this kind of expression available to anyone, even if you’ve never considered yourself “artistic”: you type a short description, and it instantly becomes original, customizable artwork. With a tool like Adobe Firefly’s AI art generator, you can shape an image that feels like a quiet prayer in color, perhaps a tribute that honors your spouse’s memory, or a scene that reflects who you are becoming in this new season. The point isn’t to produce something impressive; it’s to give yourself a low-pressure way to listen inward, express what’s hard to say aloud, and take one small step toward growth while still holding love and remembrance.
Consider Returning to School to Rebuild Rhythm and Purpose
As prayer and your questions about moving forward begin to steady your footing, a gentle next step can be choosing something that gives your days structure again.
For some widows and widowers who feel ready to invest in themselves, returning to school can restore rhythm, rebuild confidence, and open real options for the future, without asking you to “be over it.” Flexible online programs can make learning possible on your own timeline, with less pressure than a traditional classroom setting, so you can move at a pace that respects your energy and your grief.
If you’ve felt drawn to meaningful service, earning a bachelor of arts in elementary education can help you gain the skills and qualifications needed to become a licensed teacher, offering a practical path toward supporting students and making a positive difference in their daily lives.
As you discern what kind of structure and purpose fits this season, the next step is building a steady week with routines, boundaries, and supportive parish life.
Understanding Stability, Support, and Boundaries
Community-centered stability means shaping ordinary days so your body and spirit feel held again. It includes simple routines, a few dependable relationships, and a gentle return to parish and social life at a pace you can sustain. It also includes limits that protect your heart, because boundaries are not selfish when you are healing.
This matters because isolation can quietly grow when you are exhausted, even if you still believe. Steady habits and safe people can reduce decision fatigue and make prayer, Mass, and conversations feel less overwhelming.
For example, you might commit to Sunday Mass and one weekday check-in with a trusted friend. You can decline busy gatherings for now, while accepting a short coffee after church or a bereavement group.
Understanding Discernment for Your Next Steps
Spiritual discernment after loss is a prayerful way of choosing what helps you live, not just endure. It means you name a few doable paths, then gently test which ones bring steadier peace and love. A helpful spiritual discernment definition describes it as seeing the difference between good and bad, wisdom and foolishness.
This matters because grief can make every choice feel final or disloyal. Clear options like service, learning or work shifts, and health supports lower pressure and reduces regret. They also protect you from getting stuck, since 10–13% of bereaved people may experience prolonged grief.
For example, you might try one parish ministry hour twice a month, update a resume, and schedule a counseling intake. After each step, you ask: Did this increase charity, stability, and rest? You keep what bears good fruit and release what drains you.
Choosing a Faithful Next Step While Honoring Your Spouse’s Memory
Early grief can feel like an unfair choice between remembrance and forward movement, as if healing means leaving love behind. A Catholic approach to discernment holds both together, inviting faith and resilience through prayerful, realistic attention to what is life-giving now. Over time, this creates a hopeful grief journey where sorrow is named, support is welcomed, and new life chapters can be embraced without erasing what came before. Grief can move forward without moving on from love. Choose one next step this week, one support, one act of service, or one health appointment, and bring it to prayer. This matters because steady, compassionate choices build stability, connection, and long-term healing.
Can you add some tips for living successfully through the grief following the death of a spouse?
Do you know someone who could profit from reading this article?
Jesus rose from the dead. Remember his words promising eternal life when you will be reunited with all your loved ones. The two hymns here convey his consoling message in different ways:
St. Julie Billiart, Walking Love of God
During the rest of this year I’ll be speaking to groups about St. Julie Billiart, the courageous woman responsible for starting the Sisters of Notre Dame. My handout for the talks is a collection of wise things St. Julie said. It occurred to me that others may benefit from her wisdom, so my blog this week are quotations from her. Enjoy!
My Favorites
• Be like the sunflower that follows every movement of the sun, and keep your eyes always turned toward our good God.
• Better mistakes than paralysis.
• Plenty of energy but no fuss.
• Without prayer we build our spiritual house with dust, and the dust is borne away with the wind.
• Let us beware of being in a greater hurry than the good God.
God Is Good
Julie’s favorite expressed was, “How good is the good God.” We Notre Dames have the charism of proclaiming God’s goodness and provident care.
• The good God is everywhere, and His Providence guides us in all things.
• How good is our good God, who watches over us continually and never permits anything to happen to us that is not for our greater good.
• The more difficult the times are, the more we must expect and hope everything from the goodness of the good God.
• The good God will give you the grace and light to know what is right at the time.
Let us always do what God shows us moment by moment.
Crosses
• Courage! The more crosses you have, the more your soul will grow. Let the good God act.
• Let us hold fast to the cross, especially in times of trial.
• Whatever the sacrifices asked of us, we must consider ourselves happy to have the means of glorifying the good God.
• No graces are greater than hardship.
• There is much more merit in living with imperfect people than in living with saints.
Our Mission
• Do all the good you can, in all the ways you can, for all the people you can, while you can.
• When the good God asks something of us, he gives us the means of doing it.
• There must be nothing little about us; we must have the hearts of apostles.
• We must have courage in the century we live in. Great souls are needed, souls having the interests of God at heart.
• Do what you can and don’t waste time lamenting over what you can’t do.
• Courageous souls are needed for the service of the good God.
• God loves a simple heart which does its best.
• Nothing happens by chance; it is always the disposition of our good, all-adorable God.
• You are not asked to do all the good in the world, but just the bit that lies in your power.
Spirituality
• In whatever way God comes to us, he must always be welcome.
• Try always to act with all possible kindness and charity but stand firm when the glory of God demands it.
• Let us try to acquire a sense of the holy presence of the good God; then all will go well.
• Would to heaven we had as much love for God as we have for ourselves.
• Place all your confidence in God; he will always assist you.
• We must always have recourse to the Blessed Virgin in all our wants both spiritual and temporal.
• The more generous you are with God, the more liberal he will be with you.
• A soul possessing God in the Blessed Sacrament is worthy of all the admiration of the angels.
• When you have free moments, go faithfully to prayer. The good God is waiting for you there.
My Biographies of St. Julie
I’ve written two books about St. Julie, St. Julie Billiart, the Smiling Saint, mostly for children, and a novel, The Walking Love of God: St. Julie Billiart. They are available on Amazon.
St. Julie is a remarkable saint. At the age of twenty-two, she suffered a nervous condition that left her bedridden and at times mute. Regardless, she taught the faith and harbored priests to the extent that French Revolutionaries pursued her, aiming to burn her in a bonfire. When she was fifty-three years old, she was miraculously cured while making a novena to the Sacred Heart for “a friend,” who turned out to be herself. She was able to walk again after twenty-three years of paralysis. She walked or rode in carriages for miles to found convents and schools. She wrote letters to the Sisters that fill seven volumes.
St. Julie, pray for us!
How familiar are you with St. Julie?
Which of her quotations spoke to you? Why?
Here is a song she would like:
Daphne Saves Elephants, etc., in Kenya
Some kind soul who heard I was going to Kenya anonymously sent me Dame Daphne Sheldrick‘s fascinating memoir, Love, Life, and Elephants: An African Love Story. She learned to raise newborn elephants and saved the lives of numerous wild animals and released them.
In the book alongside her memories of being a conservationist, Daphne reveals her relationship with David Sheldrick. He taught her how to rescue animals and became her husband. Sheldrick was the warden of Tsavo National Park in Kenya and inspired the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust and orphans’ nursery.
Woven through the book are captivating stories of certain animals Daphne cared for, especially the elephant Eleanor, a friend for about forty years.
Prelude to Daphne’s Book
The memoir opens with a shocking account of being attacked by a wild elephant Daphne assumed was Eleanor. The stranger lifted Daphne with its trunk and threw her onto boulders. Fortunately it didn’t kill her because the real Eleanor intervened. The accident resulted in months of operations, bone grafts, and learning to walk again. But as Daphne lay on the boulder with a shattered leg and bleeding gash, she decided that if she lived, she would write about her life with Africa’s animals. That was the origin of this book.
Background
Daphne tells the story of her grandparents’ move to Kenya, her parents’ love story, and her love of animals from an early age. At the age of four, she assumed responsibility for an orphaned baby antelope named Bush—a foreshadowing of the rest of her life. These early pages are full of vivid descriptions of the land, the customs, the people, the animals, and the tragedies poachers and gangs caused.
When Daphne was fifteen, she fell in love with Bill Woodley, who worked as a warden with her brother. They married soon after she turned nineteen. At age twenty, she gave birth to Jill. When she was twenty-one, Bill’s handsome boss, David Sheldrake, set up a home for her family in Tsavo, and she fell in love with the land. The wardens’ work was to catch and discourage poachers. In the mid-1950 it was estimated that 1200 elephants and hundreds of rhinos were poached each year for their tusks and horns. Poaching surged again in 1973.
Major Change
For six years Daphne worked in David’s office and accompanied him on expeditions. David was separated from his wife. From him Daphne learned much about nature, like the nonverbal ways animals communicate. Gradually the two fell in love. Ironically Bill, her husband who was responsible for rounding up poachers, frequently was off killing elephants. Eventually he had a girlfriend, which made it easy for Daphne to tell him she and David were going to be married. She had another daughter, Angela, with David.
A Host of Animals
One after another animals of numerous species come into Daphne’s life. They are orphans like Rufus, the newborn rhino; wounded babies like Higglety, a mongoose; and animals brought to her, like the civet cat, a nocturnal animal who would hide during the day, but jump on their bed at night. Gregory Peck, a buffalo weaver who had fallen from a nest, became a constant companion. He was the first of bird orphans. a talented writer, Daphne tells each animal’s story vividly so the reader can identify with her sorrow when an animal dies or returns to the wilderness.
One of Daphne’s greatest achievements was creating a milk formula that would keep baby elephants alive. A sad occurrence was when young elephants fell into a mud hole and were stranded. When rescued they found a home with Daphne.
Progress
David became in charge of twenty National Reserves, but he wasn’t feeling well. While he and Daphne were visiting some of the outposts, he had a heart attack and died. The Wildlife authorities asked Daphne to still work for them and built her a house near the Nairobi National Park. So she wrote articles and continued to care for animal orphans. The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust was founded and grew. Daphne was made a Dame Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire.
Daphne died in 2018, but her legacy and work live on. Occasionally a television program features how elephants are cared for and reintroduced into the wild.
Daphne’s memoir is available on Amazon.
What pets have you owned and loved?
When was the last time you visited a zoo? What was your favorite animal there?
In case you haven’t heard Henry Mancini’s delightful “Baby Elephant Walk” for some time, here it is:
False Self-Concepts, Be Gone!
My friend Roman Vaynshtok, a Reiki practitioner and teacher, wrote a thought-provoking article with advice for having true self-concepts and becoming the person God meant us to be. He allowed me to share it with you on my blog . . .
How Beliefs Form
Our beliefs and preconceptions often form quietly. They are shaped by our upbringing, culture, experiences, and our need to make sense of the world. Over time, they become so familiar that we stop noticing them. They move into the background of our awareness, influencing how we interpret situations, respond to others, and even see ourselves. In this way, they can become invisible chains that keep us in a predetermined box, limiting our world.
These mental patterns are not inherently negative. They help us navigate life, offering structure and sense in a complex and ever-changing reality. But when we begin to mistake them for absolute truth, they close us off. Curiosity fades. We stop exploring and start filtering everything through what we already established as “truth.” The world becomes smaller, more predictable, and less flexible. Our limiting beliefs are creations of our mind to protect us from “unnecessary risk”, from “possibility of failure,” from the “judgment of others.”
Dealing with Limiting Beliefs
Everything in our lives can be changed only after we try to look with compassion and try to understand the causes. The same applies to limiting beliefs. When we stop fighting or dismissing them as something negative and accept them as a protective mechanism, everything changes. This approach changes our mindset. We move from the place of fear to the world of unlimited possibilities. In the world, we can win and also lose, but losing is not failure – it’s a learning experience. A world where the desire for success is much stronger than the fear of failure.
Before we address our limiting beliefs, we need to recognize them. It is the quiet voice that whispers “this is who I am,” “I’m not good at…,” “it always happens to me,” etc. These beliefs are not necessary truths; they are the chain that holds you back. There are a few steps that can help you challenge them:
- · Be aware of the power of self-talk. Ideas you repeatedly bring about yourself could become a self-fulfilling prophecy or a self-sabotaging tactic, so question them.
- · If they say, “I’m not good at public speaking,” try reminding yourself that you speak in front of a group of people, even if they are friends or family gathering.
- · Create a new narrative. Gather evidence that contradicts your beliefs. Anything in your daily interactions or at work that disputes your limiting beliefs, if you notice them, will weaken your self-limitation.
False Concepts vs. Experience
Your previous experiences from childhood or early years created these beliefs. They cannot be dismissed or easily ignored. What we can do is question their truth by collecting evidence that challenges them. Our brain does not respond to wishful thinking; this is why positive affirmations very rarely work, but it will accept real experiences. This is why it is important to collect/recognize evidence of even the smallest successes that will question old beliefs. By doing that, we eventually can replace old beliefs with new ones. The number one obstacle to this is when our brain tells us that our success is pure luck. This is why consistency in collecting and presenting evidence is so important. Our job is to show ourselves the evidence that our brains have trained us to ignore. Our approach is not to confront but to give our brains alternatives with evidence attached.
The moment we recognize that our perspective is just one interpretation among many, something changes. A space opens between us and our beliefs. In that space lies the freedom to ask questions and to challenge our beliefs. So, after your presentation, you can tell yourself, “I did it. Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but it was better than the previous one. People were listening. I became better at this.”
It is very important to understand that our brain updates beliefs through experience far more readily than through logic, and that identifying and changing self-limiting beliefs takes work and time.
A Funny Example
In the fifth grade both of my best friends were redheads, while I thought I was a dull brown. One day I even washed my hair with vinegar because I read that it would bring out red highlights. It didn’t. Decades later, a friend who had black hair and I were cutting each other’s hair. When I mentioned my brown hair, she picked up two cuttings from the floor, mine and hers. “Look, your hair isn’t brown. It’s as black as mine,” she said. She was right.
A Commercial
Roman’s wrote the book Reiki: Energy of Love, which I edited for him. If you are curious about Reiki, purchase a copy.
Limiting beliefs have held many people back…. But Reiki practice and Reiki precepts provide additional tools to address them.
Have you ever had a false concept about yourself changed? How? Did an experience correct it? Or someone’s words?
Hummingbirds: God’s Intricate Creation
I chose an apartment on the third floor so I would be on a level with birds. One day while I was standing on my balcony, a hummingbird flew right by my nose. That was probably because of the hummingbird feeders on my neighbors’ balconies. My feeder was not a success. Ants loved it. However, a friend who does stained-glass windows, gave me this glass hummingbird to hang in my window:
We are lucky to have these fascinating birds in North America. I did some research and discovered that they are amazing in many ways. Like a helicopter, they can fly in any direction and hover. Unlike other birds, they have blade-like wings connected only from the shoulder. This enables them to fly straight up and down, sideways, and backwards. Their top speed is 34 miles per hour.
Another thing that sets hummingbirds apart is that they do not walk or hop like other birds. They shuffle sidesways.
Some Facts
The wings of small hummingbirds can flap 99 times a second! They create a humming sound. Hence, their name. They do make various chirping and tweeting sounds, as you can hear in the video below, which also shows a variety of these birds.
There are 375 species of hummingbirds, but like some other creatures, they are declining. One species migrates between Alaska and Mexico, a journey of about 3,900 miles!
Two 30-million-year-old hummingbird fossils have been discovered. They are the smallest, living relative of dinosaurs. The little ones are three to five inches. The bee hummingbird weighs less than .07 ounces. The largest hummingbird is 1.09 ounces.
Hummingbirds can detect ultraviolet light. Their favorite color is red.
The lifespan of ruby-throated hummingbirds is three to five years.
Their Menu
Hummingbirds feed while hovering, not perching as other birds do. They have long beaks, either straight or curved, to feed on nectar. Their long tongues are forked along the sides to take in the nectar. Hummingbirds spend most of their days sitting and digesting.
Besides nectar, hummingbirds eat small insects like fruit flies and small spiders. Their favorite insects are midges, which should please those people near Lake Erie who are plagued annually by those bugs. Hummingbirds can use up 150,000 calories a day. To preserve energy, they enter a torpor, a deep sleep state.
Courtship and Children
Male hummingbirds have the most diverse colors of all birds. In fact, many have are iridescent throat feathers. Their plumage makes them attractive to the females.
During courtship the males show off. They fluff out their throat feathers and do aerial feats. They fly in loops, dive bomb, and ascend rapidly. Anna’s hummingbird rises about 115 ft. above a female and dives at 89 feet per second, twice the speed of peregrine falcons pursuing prey. In addition the males sing complex songs to court their chosen one. They might also chase the females or fly back and forth in a wide arc in front of her.
Females build the family nest, a small cup about an inch and a half in diameter. She builds up the walls to fit her body, using silk from spiderwebs, lichen, bark, and moss. Wisely, the nest is under branches to shield from rain. The woman is also solely responsible for the young ones.
About two weeks after mating, she lays two eggs the size of a pea. She incubates them for two or three weeks until they hatch. For three of four weeks she feeds them and then the young birds can fly.
Both male and female birds are promiscuous.
By the Way
Interestingly, Aztecs believed that fallen warriors are reincarnated as hummingbirds.
Hummingbird cake is made with crushed pineapple and bananas with cream cheese frosting. Supposedly it originated in Jamaica, whose national bird is a hummingbird. The name fits the cake, which is a sweet dessert. It is rather simple to make. Here is a recipe.
Creation, the work of God’s hands, reveals him to us. The hummingbird shows God’s ingenuity, tenderness, and love of beauty.
Have you ever eaten or made hummingbird cake?
Do you see hummingbirds where you live?
