Kindness and Mercy When Speaking: Practical Wisdom
Scripture dictates a few rules about speaking. On Sinai, God gave two commandments regarding words: We are not to take the name of God in vain and we are not to bear false witness. Jesus says we are not to make oaths to attest to the truth of what we are saying but to let our yes mean yes and our no mean no (Matthew 5:37). James warns against cursing and urges controlling the tongue, which he calls, “a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8)! As someone who has often engaged in conversations, I would like to offer a few additional rules that can make communications go more smoothly and prevent hard feelings. These are along the order of the suggestion that before speaking we should ask ourselves: “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?”
1. Look at the speaker. You may know how annoying it is when someone you are talking to looks beyond you to see if there is a more interesting person around. I’ve found it especially affirming when someone looks directly into my eyes when I’m talking to him or her.
2. When someone introduces a topic, avoid cutting off the speaker and stealing his or her fire, particularly if that person is more knowledgeable about the topic than you.
3. Similarly, when someone asks another person a question, resist answering for that person no matter how tempting it may be.
4. When a speaker makes a misstatement, you might overlook it if it isn’t important, so as not to embarrass him or her.
5. Do not ramble on and on, adding detail after detail so that others so not have a chance to contribute or may be put to sleep. Monologues are not dialogues.
6. Ask others questions to draw them into the conversation. They just might be waiting to be asked their opinion.
7. Speak loudly and clearly so that all listeners can understand you without straining their ears.
8. Give your full attention to others. Stop what you’re doing. Ignore your cell phone.
9. Speak of positive things, not tragedies (like fires, homicides, and wars) or frustrating political situations. Likewise do not share bad things that happened to you (unless they’re funny). Bringing up negative things drags people’s spirits down.
10. Avoid complaining and criticizing, which tend to result in people adding their complaints and criticisms until a heavy fog hangs over the room.
11. Do not interrupt other speakers. They may lose their train of thought. And you will come across as rude.
12. Vary your topics instead of making your comments and stories all about yourself.
13. As someone talks, occasionally nod or say, “yes” or “I agree.” This will not only show you are listening but will affirm the speaker.
14. Prepare for a conversation by having things to say. Once I traveled with a salesman who had slips of paper that contained interesting information for sharing.
15. Finally, some unknown person said, “Great people talk about ideas. Average people talk about things. Small people talk about other people.”
Taking these tips to heart, you will find that others will enjoy being with you and talking to you.
This blog is not the final word on speaking well. What tips can you pass on here?
Speaking of speaking, I’ve written a book (“Me? Talk in Public?”) with suggestions for speaking to a group, which is the #1 human fear. You (or someone you know) might find it helpful if you ever need to give a witness talk, make a report to the parish, lead a bible study, or give a eulogy. The book is on Amazon, but can be purchased directly from me at [email protected] for $7.00.
Religions in Search of Truth
If you’re like me, some nights before you drift off to sleep you ponder questions like is there a God, is there really an afterlife, why do we suffer, and how did creation begin. These questions have engaged and intrigued people of all times and places. Different faith traditions have wrestled with them and ventured to offer answers. For the past two years, I’ve been focused on them. It all began one day when I went to our Provincial Center for a funeral. In the hall Sister Karita met me and declared, “God has sent you to me!” She and another college professor had arranged to write a book for a publisher about the ultimate questions.* The other professor realized she had too much on her plate and backed out of the project, leaving Sister in the lurch. Desperate, Sister prayed for help, and my name floated into her mind. That morning she unexpectedly met me! Working on the book enlightened me about different religions and my own. I found that we human beings have much in common.
Most of us have an innate sense that there is a Power greater than ourselves that orders the universe. Our ancestors the Jews believe in a personal God called Yahweh, as do we Christians. Muslims whose faith is also rooted in Abraham refer to God as Allah. Hindus, who belong to the oldest organized religion, believe in one Supreme Being whom they call Brahman. (However, they also hold that Brahman’s qualities are manifested in many deities.) The founder of Buddhism, Siddhartha Gautama (now called Buddha), did not teach the existence of God or deny it. Buddhists are focused on Nirvana, the bliss that ends the cycle of deaths and rebirths. Daoists do not accept a personal supreme God. For them, the Dao (the Way) is the ultimate reality. Nevertheless, they believe in several deities.
Interestingly, where Christians believe in a Trinity of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, Hindus believe in the trinity of Brahma (creator), Vishnu (preserver), and Shiva (destroyer). Also, the highest gods for Daoists are known as the Three Purities.
The common thread woven through all major religions is the primacy of love. You may have seen the poster that contains the 
Golden Rule as stated by different religions. Everyone agrees that love, compassion, and mercy are extremely important and have an impact on our future life. Imagine what a different world we’d have if all people followed that rule!
Each faith tradition has some wisdom to offer. As St. Clement of Alexandria noted, “There is but one river of truth, but many streams pour into it from this side and from that.” How enriched we are then when we enter into dialogue with members of another faith!
Last week I visited an ordained Buddhist and toured CloudWater Zendo. What experiences have you had with someone from a faith tradition different from yours?
* To Order Ultimate Questions: How Major Religions Respond
Call St. Mary’s Press/Professor’s Choice:
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order Item #669097 FTRO.
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The book costs $25.00.
Self-Acceptance and Persistence
By now many of us have probably slipped up on keeping our New Year’s resolutions. This is discouraging and our self-esteem deflates. It’s difficult to be persistent. We might want to throw up our hands and quit. But it’s much better to start anew. For me, working crossword puzzles is a good analogy. Sometimes when a puzzle is a real challenge, I’m tempted to stop and peek at the answers to complete it. But I’ve found that if I let the puzzle rest for a day and then return to it, some clues I thought were impossible I now can answer. Maybe today, it’s hard for me to pass up the dessert I resolved to forswear, but maybe tomorrow I can overcome my craving and be victorious. That would make me feel good about myself. This reflection in my book “Heart to Mary with Mary” is a fitting follow-up to these thoughts:
Accepting Yourself
January 9
My child, because you are human, there are probably days when you are not happy with yourself. Perhaps you made a silly mistake or an appointment slipped your mind. Maybe you spoke carelessly and hurt a friend’s feelings. When things like this happen, you might be tempted to be hard on yourself. But let me reassure you: you are a treasure!
I may not have been the smartest girl in the village or the most talented, but I had my own gifts. So do you. God made you a unique, irreplaceable individual. You were created out of love in God’s image and likeness. You have dignity as God’s beloved child and mine as well as an incredible destiny. True, you give God glory by using your gifts—but you also honor and please him by gracefully accepting your flaws and weaknesses in all humility.
When your self-confidence is waning, come quickly to me. I will tenderly embrace you and whisper in your ear how wonderful you really are and how much I love you. Then, if necessary, I will help you to mend what has been broken or to start again.
Are there things you don’t like about yourself? Speak to Mary about them.
Is it time for you to renew your resolutions? Do you have a trick for keeping them that you can share?
I wonder if Mary ever felt like giving up. I wonder if her son did too.
The Beauty of God
In this Christmas season, we can’t help but be stunned by beautiful scenes: a church festooned with poinsettias and garlands, snow-covered mountains and frosted trees, a starlit sky, a dance in the Nutcracker, the faces of small children aglow with joy. We are programmed to thrill at beautiful sights. We take photos of them to capture and preserve them. We take pride in calling our country “American the Beautiful.” We also drink in beauty when gazing at certain artwork like the Pieta and when hearing certain pieces of music like Faure’s “Requiem.” Beauty has power to take our breath away and bring tears to our eyes. It is a reflection of the beauty of God, the Creator. In a poem, John Keats praised beauty, saying
The Jesuit poet Gerard Manley Hopkins wrote that the whole world is “charged with the grandeur of God.” It can lift our minds and hearts to God.
In writing my book “I Am Going,” about the last words of the saints, I discovered that when Steve Jobs was dying, his last words were “Wow! Oh wow!” And he said them three times. What was he beholding? I’m guessing that it was something of supreme beauty.
Most of us strive to be as beautiful (or handsome) as we can. We style our hair, clothe ourselves in lovely outfits, and workout and diet in order to maintain good figures. These are attempts to achieve perfection, in other words to reflect that quality that resides in its fullness in God—beauty. St. Augustine in his book Confessions addresses God this way: “Late have I loved you, beauty so ancient and so new.” In Psalm 27:4 we pray, “One thing I ask of the Lord; this I seek: . . . To gaze on the Lord’s beauty.”
A good New Year’s resolution might be to spend more time with beauty.
What thing of beauty has moved you recently?
Click below to go to a hymn about God’s beauty.
Christmas Greetings: God’s Love Gift
May you have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year! During these days of Christmas you might ponder this:
God so loved me that he sent his only Son so that I may not perish but have eternal life. (adapted from John 3:16)
My gift to you …
